A Plea to America
Women of America,
I come to you today with a plea-- two pleas, actually. I beg you all to band together and join forces for better today and a brighter tomorrow. Help me combat an awful plague that is sweeping the nation and offending the decency of every good American.
Plea #1: Please, all of you, especially you mothers: STOP NURSING your babies. At the very least, stop doing it where we, the decent American public, can see you doing it. It's gross. It's an accepted fact that breasts are first and foremost sexual organs. And when I see a baby sucking on a boob, there's only one thing I can think of: sex. And that give me a headache, and quite possibly could cause my brain to explode.
Plea#2: Please, keep all bottles and pacifiers and anything else that mimics the disgusting practice of nursing safely hidden from public view. I know for myself, whenever I see a baby sucking on a bottle, I can't help but think of a baby sucking on a boob, and then I'm thinking about sex again, and then comes the headache. Brains are exploding, people. This is a matter of life or death. Please comply with the utmost urgency for the sake of your fellow American.
Ours is a strong tradition of formula fed babies, of shut-away pregnant women and wet nurses, of children being seen and not heard and staying out of the way. Let's not forget how well this has served us in the past and let's not be so hasty to do away with what is good and proper.
Since the breast is first and foremost a sexual organ, breastfeeding is simply a perverse and abusive act that could seriously warp a developing child, especially if the said child were allowed to derive any emotional fulfillment from the lewd act. It's not hard to imagine that a breastfed baby could grow up with an unhealthy idea about breasts, an unnatural attraction and obsession with the organs. It's best to wean as early and quickly as possible, or avoid the whole mess altogether. Especially since nursing could make your breasts sag, and this is the grossest of all, because--
We Americans are very comfortable seeing these kinds of breasts on magazine covers, but not these, because, as has already been explained, breasts are sexual organs first and foremost. These sexy breasts are good for us all. It's economics 101, baby. Sexy breasts sell. Nursing breasts don't sell. They aren't good for the big money makers. They don't sell formula, diet drugs, hair removal products or bikinis. Sexy boobs are the money makers, and if these boobs aren't out there making money, we are all going to feel that economy bottom out.
So, ladies, please, do your American duty and keep those boobs in your bras and keep them away from any hungry infant. And for heavens sake, keep the bottles in the diaper bags!
I come to you today with a plea-- two pleas, actually. I beg you all to band together and join forces for better today and a brighter tomorrow. Help me combat an awful plague that is sweeping the nation and offending the decency of every good American.
Plea #1: Please, all of you, especially you mothers: STOP NURSING your babies. At the very least, stop doing it where we, the decent American public, can see you doing it. It's gross. It's an accepted fact that breasts are first and foremost sexual organs. And when I see a baby sucking on a boob, there's only one thing I can think of: sex. And that give me a headache, and quite possibly could cause my brain to explode.
Plea#2: Please, keep all bottles and pacifiers and anything else that mimics the disgusting practice of nursing safely hidden from public view. I know for myself, whenever I see a baby sucking on a bottle, I can't help but think of a baby sucking on a boob, and then I'm thinking about sex again, and then comes the headache. Brains are exploding, people. This is a matter of life or death. Please comply with the utmost urgency for the sake of your fellow American.
Ours is a strong tradition of formula fed babies, of shut-away pregnant women and wet nurses, of children being seen and not heard and staying out of the way. Let's not forget how well this has served us in the past and let's not be so hasty to do away with what is good and proper.
Since the breast is first and foremost a sexual organ, breastfeeding is simply a perverse and abusive act that could seriously warp a developing child, especially if the said child were allowed to derive any emotional fulfillment from the lewd act. It's not hard to imagine that a breastfed baby could grow up with an unhealthy idea about breasts, an unnatural attraction and obsession with the organs. It's best to wean as early and quickly as possible, or avoid the whole mess altogether. Especially since nursing could make your breasts sag, and this is the grossest of all, because--
We Americans are very comfortable seeing these kinds of breasts on magazine covers, but not these, because, as has already been explained, breasts are sexual organs first and foremost. These sexy breasts are good for us all. It's economics 101, baby. Sexy breasts sell. Nursing breasts don't sell. They aren't good for the big money makers. They don't sell formula, diet drugs, hair removal products or bikinis. Sexy boobs are the money makers, and if these boobs aren't out there making money, we are all going to feel that economy bottom out.
So, ladies, please, do your American duty and keep those boobs in your bras and keep them away from any hungry infant. And for heavens sake, keep the bottles in the diaper bags!
posted by Madame Mamms at 1:30 AM
6 Comments:
ROTFLOL!
I nursed my firstborn in front of 20,000 fans at a pro hockey game once. I did it other places too (discreetly, of course), but that was by far my largest potential audience.
What is wrong with people? What is wrong with these *mothers* who claim it's "gross" and "inappropriate"?
Grrrr.
I have nursed all three of my kids, until they stopped on thier own... and I did it whenever and whereever.... I just always wore bigger shirts, and then no one ever knew..... at the park, out to dinner, in the movie, at football games, ect., ....
Sexy boobs vs. nursing boobs: ANd why is that??? I have what most people would consider a " large" upper half.... but its not a money maker... its a milk factory!!! How sexy is that???? rofl!!
Gross and inappropriate: how about the dad who set his kid on fire, or the mother who drowned her kids in the tub and then said she was "crazy" when she started with the oldest and went down the line of her FIVE kids...... talk about gross.....but mostly sad..... that these kind of people are in the world having the blessing of children bestowed on them, and then they do these dreadful evil things.......and society is worried about a little boob??
Speak your mind girlfriend!!! Let the words ring loud and clear for all to hear!!!
Oh, the irony: I wonder if these same women write into all those glamour magazines whenever they put a picture of a naked celebrity on the cover. If a breast freaks them out, how about pregnant Britney Spears or Demi Moore? There's more breast showing on your average cover of Cosmo than in that picture. My baby looks at those covers with this expression like, "Check out the lunch buffet on THAT one!"
This is why I like to nurse without a blanket. I like the idea that I'm a scandalous whore out to ensnare other women's weak minded, adulterous husbands. Who cares if breastfeeding is best for my baby? It's best for me!
you're missing the point...
it's the BABY...that's the problem!
Amerika loves it's boobs--go to any Southern Rock concert, motorcycle rally or Mardi Gras festival--BOOBS everywhere!!!
But NO BABIES!
They just get in the way....
you go, you sassy mama, you!!!!
(and take me with you!!)
;-)
Post a Comment
<< Home